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I personally am no stranger to pushing people away. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. Every single one of my best friends I count as a best friend because somewhere in my life, I have pushed them away. And some time in my life, they have come back.

Sometimes, I think about the friends that we have, the people that surround us in our everyday lives. And I wonder… how many of us are brave enough to walk away; to turn our backs and walk away and find out how many people truly love us enough to run after us and try to claim us. I think that sometimes, we know the answer. And that might be why we never dare to- walk away, that is. We’re all terrified of being left alone. Or of knowing that we never mattered enough. Think about the communities you are in now. Dance, uni, writer’s group, basketball team, youth group, whatever it may be. Should you walk away… how many people are going to walk after you? Or will they just put your absence down to ‘just one down’ and not think any more about it?

Which might be why I’m used to drawing people in, kicking them out and then slowly letting them in again. I’m no stranger to being hurt. To bearing the brunt of someone having limits to how much effort they were willing to put into a relationship. I used to be the girl crying over how the boy she liked, and who SAID liked her back, ignored her in church on Sundays because he was too afraid of church gossip. I used to be the girl who felt helpless. I used to be the girl who felt watched.

And so many of the time, I still feel that way.

I need to know that you won’t sleep with her, even if you were given every single opportunity to. Even if I pushed her at you.

And maybe my experiences in life has made me cynical about people. Cynical about most friendships. Cynical about how today we can all have ‘friendships’ without even knowing anything about each other. Do you know what they REALLY think? What they REALLY feel? What’s important in his or her life? Do you know them enough to pick out a really kick ass birthday present? Do you know them and care about them enough as friends to want to get to know what’s important to them?

It’s like hearing a really good song on a friend’s iPod. Suddenly, you wonder how many more kick ass songs he or she has in that tiny device for you to discover. Suddenly, the world seems huge. Suddenly you want to hear more. You want to hear everything. And then you look up and see that friend in a completely new light. Who is this person? Who is this person who picked out this song that spoke to me? I wonder what his favourite colour is. I wonder what she does on weekends. I wonder if he writes down quotes that he thinks are meaningful. I wonder if she spends nights roaming the city with a cup of coffee like I do. I wonder if there is more for them and me to connect over more than a song. How much more of life can we share? Who knows how this person might change my life?

Friendships have to mean more than just another number on our FaceBook pages. More than another person we exchange a few sentence with. More importantly, mean more than someone we keep around because we’re just too afraid to be alone.

So maybe I push people away. But I’d rather be alone than with people who don’t care enough. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands. And doesn’t try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know these people exist.

But maybe we need to be the people… the ones who sit down and listen, who try to understand… And know that we wouldn’t sleep with someone just because we could have.

“I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.”

We’ve all had those friends… maybe in high school, where we all hung out together in a group and we all thought that we were so close. And then we realised that it was only ever one or two that we really clicked with. And when we all inevitably went our separate ways, the rest faded into the background, and sometimes we forget that we ever knew them. Because they were always just there in the periphery, and we never brought them into focus enough to wonder how to base an entire photograph on just them alone. What would they be wearing? What would they be doing? What would capture THEM as people, in their essence?

And so I continue to look for the people with whom I can just share a moment with. People whom I’d love to truly understand. We can never know everything about a person. But that’s what makes it such fun- that’s why those friendships last. I want to know people with whom I can have a lot of fun diving into their depths, wrecking havoc as we go. Forever and always. And I believe that every single person we meet can be that person. Every single person has a story to tell. Every single person has stories, hurts, tears, smiles, and a lifetime of experience to share and a lifetime to live. And we all just need to take a little time to bring every single person into focus, sit opposite them with an open mind, and let them surprise us.

I want to be the kind of person who does that. Who gives everyone a chance. Who isn’t just a victim to today’s technology-aided friendships. Who goes the extra mile. Who truly loves and likes and cares. And who knows, maybe I will be. God knows, we’re all called to love. And I know… that sometimes letting people in is the very first step. Maybe I’ll learn this time.

the title of this post, and all quotes in quotation marks, are quotes from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

the photograph used in this post is taken by the lovely Liz Carlton, whom i have never met, but whose words have both inspired and challenged me. you can read her writing here.